My 180th Day in isolation at Sydney Hospital…
Bland, white walls, green floors, 3m by 4…
It has become a home of sorts, and I live here for your protection,
Today will be my 180th day in this place.
Some days I am proud of the man in my reflection.
I see a man who is full of life, and full of passion,
a man that makes light of this heavy situation,
and one who lights the darkness to search for inspiration.
His head held high, not being a slave to this condition,
not allowing it to affect him, he’s occupied by distraction,
he’ll never be a victim of a microscopic faction,
who’s microscopic actions, cause these massive global repercussions.
Every little action in our lives, will result in a reaction,
Sometimes an addition will result in a subtraction,
The addition of strength right now, is a protection mechanism,
to subtract from his fear, and turn it into optimism.
..and the tiniest of ripples can become a tidal wave,
The softest of whispers can take him away.
But when the flights of fantasy finally wear off,
he finds himself back in this room where he left off.
Today in this mirror, there’s a man I don’t recognize,
he’s a boy wearing the body of a man for a disguise,
this is a boy for whom I can’t help, but sympathize,
for it’s the apparent strength of mine, on which this poor boy relies.
And these eyes in the mirror that stare back at me,
no longer offer the strength and comfort I long to see,
just a patient, a broken spirit, longing for sympathy,
someone to save me from sinking in self pity.
But too proud to accept pity, and not wanting weakness to be seen,
I’ll wrap myself up in an artificial well-being,
cause it’s better than seeing myself as a weak human being,
so I’ll keep smiling and just keep on agreeing…
That everything’s okay and that I’m feeling fine.
Cause I know that there are hundreds of thousands left to die,
who don’t even get themselves the right to a medical file,
or see a doctor, see a nurse, see anyone, and meanwhile….
I can choose to be a victim, cursed from the beginning,
or can face up to fear, and do all my own forgiving,
for all the risks I have taken, and the mistakes that I have made,
and for the errors of our brothers and sisters of yesterday.
Because the earth will still continue in its destined revolutions,
and us quick little humans will pursue the fastest solutions,
and mark tiny ticks on paper, next to massive global problems,
and create some new illusion, instead of just solving them.
That’s the train of thought that may keep me up tonight,
but I refuse to lose sight of the battle I have to fight,
and in my own little victory, I will win myself the right,
to see a man in the mirror, not a boy that hides inside.
And my pride has been enough to add light to this place,
and remind me of dreams that I’m still yet to chase,
I’ll embrace new life at the end of this race.
Today in my world, I met myself face to face…
Copyright © Christiaan Van Vuuren 2010
alioooop said: FSR, are you ever allowed out of your room? I was in Sydney at Easter time and I thought I saw you reading in the park near the hospital? Keep up the dope rhymes, it is earning you serious babe cred.
I was in Sydney hospital which was right next to the domain. For the first 12 weeks or so, I was unable to leave the room… then at times I was able to go downstairs to the park below the hospital to get some fresh air and vitamin d from the sun for short visits… this started with close supervision from a nurse, and then became to the point where it was cool as long as I was in view of the hospital.
matte-finish said: Have your nurses/doctors ever walked in on you making videos or taking pictures? If so, what was their reaction?
Congrats on busting out! (:
Yeah, several times… At first it was weird, and a bit awkward, and it required some explaining. In fact one time when I first came in, I had strapped a whole bunch of medical equipment on and was dancing around when a doc came in, and that was very weird… they monitored my medication taking pretty closely for a while to make sure I was having them correctly!!!! :) But then as word spread that I was just weird to begin with, and that I was only doing these sorts of things to entertain myself, it got kind of normal, and when my little wooden window flap was closed, medical professionals just wouldn’t bother coming in…
pambam007 said: Can you swim in your pool?
Yeah, but it’s a bit cold at the moment. It’s winter here, and the pool hasn’t had much sun. Plus I’m just getting over a fluey coldie thing that I picked up as soon as I walked out of hospital!
theriderofthestorm said: and i think it is very rude to say like dat about ppl who follows you. How do you overcome your anger? Answer to me MAD MAN ....
Hahahah! I don’t understand the question/statement?
madelynicole-deactivated2010122 said: Well I mean I don't want to put you off... so i guess I won't visit.
I just wanted to wear those cool mask things.
I didn’t want it to sound like that… It’s just that I am pretty focused on getting better, and I pick and choose my moments when I want to put myself online… As much as I’d love the company, my family and close friends can still come in to see me sometimes, and I am completely comfortable around them…
theriderofthestorm said: Do you believe in " everything happens for a reason" or you just follow your reason to makes it happen. What is your reason to be here ( i mean Tumbl) , if it such a boring 4 you then what are you expecting from this site.
I set up one myself but don't really have a time .....
To be honest I just set one up so that I had one really…. Just in case it became important to have one set up… and I felt like sharing a story… It allows you to write more than FB or Twitter…